Ambivalent and anguished

Seems there’s a theme running through my life lately.

I am currently being psychically tortured by desire and dread.

I miss my Chicago family with a pain akin to three abscessed molars.
I dread the trip that visiting Chicago entails with the anguish that accompanies the anticipation of three simultaneous root canals.

Of the past four weekends, we have gone out of town two of them and I have worked two of them. This is my first weekend off in a while, and next weekend we have nothing scheduled.

So our schedule is free for travel to Chicago. But the ride kills us. The quick turnaround is even harder.

Caitlyn and Koby and Owen planned their own trip to Chicago next weekend, and we are loath to interfere or intrude on their first real trip as a family. But I just miss everybody so damn much.

I want to see those babies crawling everywhere. I need to see Jack and Liv and love them and sing to them. I yearn to hug my sister and Stefanie for long long times. I need to squeeze my bony brother, hug my dad’s belly, kiss the top of my mom’s head.

I really want to see mom’s new dining room furniture.

You can see my dilemma.

2 thoughts on “Ambivalent and anguished

  1. Do whatever your heart tells you to do and make sure your head agrees with it. We love you and whatever choice you make.

    Give yourself a break. You could use one.

  2. I’m thankful for the internet, your blog, facebook, the phone….because it keeps us connected. 20 years ago we would have to depend on handwritten letters and long distance phone calls. I’m thankful your family didn’t move to California or Florida – that would be a long ride and torturous. And a very expensive plane ticket. We don’t see each other as much as we would want to (like every weekend), but we stay connected by hi-tech gadgets and love. We still experience our sorrows and joys together knowing that our family love is strong. I’m grateful that you were here to share Amy’s joy when the twins were born. You couldn’t stop smiling. If you decide to come in this weekend, that would be great. Our home is your home. I know how hard it is to drive so far to spend just a few days with us, and I know you don’t want to intrude on Caitie and Koby’s time in Chicago. I’m a wreck in the car the last 2-3 hours in the car. We miss you and Bill and Decky and Ryan, but you’re in my heart always. I also know that if we needed you, you’d be here in a heartbeat. That’s nice to know. Love, Mom

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