I’m in some kind of a mood. Maybe it’s not a good idea to write an entry today. But there are so many things on my mind that they cannot be condensed into a pithy facebook blurb.
The holiday season has always been a torturous mix of emotions for me. I suffer from extreme emotions, sometimes vacillating from one pole to the other, sometimes feeling a terrible melange of emotions at one time. It’s the best of times, it’s the worst of times. Yeesh.
Right now, I have a few things bringing me down. My eye situation has gone on for so long that I almost feel resigned to losing the sight in my left eye. It won’t happen (I don’t think), but I feel pretty hopeless about it right now. It affects my vision, so I am reminded constantly that it is still not healed. I see the rheumatologist Wednesday and the eye guy next week. I am doing everything I am supposed to do to resolve this problem. If neither doctor helps, I will ask my regular doctor for a CT of my head.
I also have become resigned to the fact that my family will never be all together again for the holidays. As they get older, my kids will find their own places to live, and have their own little families to put first. As my parents age, they will not be able to travel to Kansas. I know all these things are going to happen, but I still hate it. I feel more sharply during the holidays the absence of people I love who have died.
But I also realize that I will accumulate more grandchildren, more children-in-law as the years go by. There will certainly be more love in this family as it grows. More joy.
So…I will do things today that comfort me. I will bring out my old cookbooks and visit them like old friends. I will wear Gram’s apron while I make ice cream kolaczki and think of my sister. I will use fabric paint to write new names on new stockings to add to the collection hanging on the mantle. I will listen to Christmas music, and sing loud or cry, depending on the song. I will make a pretty comforting home and warm nurturing food for my family. I will put thought and care into gifts I select for the people I love.
I may nap. My heart feels like an open wound today. Time is my salve.