Me, myself and I

Warning: this post contains rants and raves and is very egocentric.

I’ve been feeling so burnt out at work. I have no empathy for my patients. Correction: I have no empathy for the people who come into my work with trivial complaints, are seeking narcotics, are manipulative, self-important, demanding, and entitled. I have plenty of compassion and attention for the people who are actually sick, or aren’t really sick but are polite and respectful.

I feel that my filter is slipping and I’m going to say something really snide and rude very soon. So I do some research and I find that the solution to burnout is some time off. I only work two or three days a week, so I do have long stretches of days without work. But those breaks do not seem to help me.

I finally figured out why.

When Hubby suddenly deletes 337 GB of music from his computer, I work for hours to retrieve what I can. When he messes up the process I worked so hard to set up, I have to put in more hours into it. And of course, I feel I have to take care of this all immediately, since Hubby gets so freaked out.

Hubby gave me a car stereo for Christmas. He has gone to the installation place three separate Saturdays with the hopes of getting in, but with no luck. He won’t make an appointment. So it’s been almost two months and I still can’t listen to my ipod in my car. This actually crushes me, that he just hasn’t got it done for me.

I sweat all the time. Sweating used to make me feel powerful and strong and happy, because I knew I was working hard and getting fit. Not anymore. Now that I have fierce, frequent hot flashes, and had the sick-sweats all last week, I hate sweating. And I do it all the time. Yuck.

I have to do the taxes. I have done them for years, under protest, because Hubby doesn’t like to spend money if I can do it. I am sure I have made stupid pricey mistakes on past returns and I’m completely stressed out about it.

I come home from work to a messy house. I have to choose between nagging, bitching and whining, or just cleaning up myself, because asking doesn’t work and I can’t stand the mess.

In short, I feel that no one is taking care of me. I know I bring a lot of this on myself, but I’m done. I’ve become a bitchy nag and I hate myself. I have decided to take care of myself before others. These are some steps I have taken so far:

I made an appointment to get my car stereo installed.
I am meeting with a tax accountant Thursday.
I have hired a housekeeper to come out to do my bathrooms this week. And for another time next month.
I ran a mile straight today, did another at a steep incline, power-walked a third mile. I plan to work on daily exercise, and definitely yoga.

I’m just so tired of being the help around here. I want to be valued, loved, respected and maybe even pampered once in a while. I think I’m worth it. I just wish I knew how to convey this effectively.

Hopefully, this will give me the respite I need to recover from work, and I won’t be so burnt out anymore.

3 thoughts on “Me, myself and I

  1. I totally get this. It’s a woman trying to do it all and not be a bitch thing. And in the process we always end up last. Hugs and take care of yourself and speak up for what you need from others.

  2. You’re not being a bitch. You’re just overwhelmed. However, I do know “if you don’t do it yourself, it won’t be done”. Been there. Still there.

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