Control (or lack thereof)

Control (or lack thereof)

If you know me, you know I like to control things. Like people, and my environment, and my schedule, and pretty much everything else.

So the past few weeks have kicked my ass.

I can’t control what happens to my Dad. I can’t even be there to help, interpret or advocate on his behalf.
I can’t control when and how Caitlyn goes into labor. That fetus has his own schedule and there’s nothing any of us can do about it.
I can’t control when Stef and Kevin move to their own place. They are adults who make their own decisions based on their own specifc criteria. My opinion doesn’t matter, but my support does.
I can’t control how Decky and Ryan experiment with their prototype homemade potato cannon. The official launch is set for tomorrow while I’m at work. I’m so worried someone will lose a digit or an eye. I can only hope and pray that they will be safe and smart.

I can go with the flow when I have to, when I know control is out of my hands and I am powerless to change anything. I can let go.
But these people are so important to me. They each account for a large piece of my heart. Their health and their happiness are the most important things in the world to me.

Aside from some giving unsolicited advice, helping out when I can, drilling safety precautions into some heads, and calling the cardiac rehab nurse for more information, I am paralyzed.

Thank god my brother is being a fierce advocate for my dad. He is smart and polite and persistent, and does all the things I would if I were there. Thank god we have a large supportive family to be there when Caitlyn finally goes into labor. Thank god the same support network will be around to help Stef and Kevin when they move out. And thank god for Ryan’s and Decky’s common sense and caution (OMGOMGOMGOMG).

My anxiety level is through the roof. I really can’t stand this feeling of powerlessness. I am actually looking forward to going to work tomorrow for a chance to actually exert some control over my environment and my patients’ care.

Watch. That’s when the baby will decide to make his appearance.

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