Category Archives: Complain, complain, complong

Control (or lack thereof)

If you know me, you know I like to control things. Like people, and my environment, and my schedule, and pretty much everything else.

So the past few weeks have kicked my ass.

I can’t control what happens to my Dad. I can’t even be there to help, interpret or advocate on his behalf.
I can’t control when and how Caitlyn goes into labor. That fetus has his own schedule and there’s nothing any of us can do about it.
I can’t control when Stef and Kevin move to their own place. They are adults who make their own decisions based on their own specifc criteria. My opinion doesn’t matter, but my support does.
I can’t control how Decky and Ryan experiment with their prototype homemade potato cannon. The official launch is set for tomorrow while I’m at work. I’m so worried someone will lose a digit or an eye. I can only hope and pray that they will be safe and smart.

I can go with the flow when I have to, when I know control is out of my hands and I am powerless to change anything. I can let go.
But these people are so important to me. They each account for a large piece of my heart. Their health and their happiness are the most important things in the world to me.

Aside from some giving unsolicited advice, helping out when I can, drilling safety precautions into some heads, and calling the cardiac rehab nurse for more information, I am paralyzed.

Thank god my brother is being a fierce advocate for my dad. He is smart and polite and persistent, and does all the things I would if I were there. Thank god we have a large supportive family to be there when Caitlyn finally goes into labor. Thank god the same support network will be around to help Stef and Kevin when they move out. And thank god for Ryan’s and Decky’s common sense and caution (OMGOMGOMGOMG).

My anxiety level is through the roof. I really can’t stand this feeling of powerlessness. I am actually looking forward to going to work tomorrow for a chance to actually exert some control over my environment and my patients’ care.

Watch. That’s when the baby will decide to make his appearance.

Dear Universe,

Dear Universe,

I have a wish list that I’m hoping you can help me with.

My dad could use a slower heart rate and a smaller prostate. And to be home in his own home surrounded by his loving family.
Caitlyn could use a swift and easy labor. TODAY.
Stefanie and Kevin and Ryan and Michela could use some extra money.
Bill could use the ability to be in two places at once.
Declan could use a mother who’s more inclined to let him use explosives in the house unattended.
And I could use a few extra hours in the day, and more days to the week, so I could take care of the people I love the way I want them to take care of them. And a couple of free airline tickets.

Nothing big. Easy peasy.

Your prompt attention to this matter would be greatly appreciated.

The Wringer

I feel as though I’ve been through the wringer lately. Dad had open heart surgery, Cait’s due any day, I start a new job Monday, Bill’s been out of town. I’m frayed around the edges and torn down the middle.

But my problems are nothing.

Dad keeps having small and large setbacks. He had a heart rate of 240 the second night postop and had to be cardioverted (shocked) back to a lower rate. He’s on IV antiarrhythmics so it doesn’t happen again, because the oral meds aren’t cutting it. His second foley got taken out and he couldn’t urinate and his heart rate shot up again. They put another one back in and he peed out almost TWO LITERS immediately. It’s killing me not to be at his bedside to help him through all this. I want him to have a swift and uneventful recovery, not this crap. At least he keeps moving. He walks with the cardiac rehab staff he’s already familiar with. He’s breathing well and is off the oxygen. He’s eating, but not much.

Caitlyn is hugely pregnant and could give birth any day now. She can’t keep any food down. She throws up frequently during the day, and reflux wakes her up with chest pain at night. And she still has that nasty cough. If she didn’t have an abnormally long cervix, that kid would be on the floor already.

Bill just got home from a three-day trip to Omaha. He’s exhausted and happy to be home. And I’m so happy he’s here. Yeah, he’s a mess and makes me crazy, but life really is easier when he’s around.

My new job orientation starts Monday and lasts all week, 8a-4:30p. I worry Cait will have her baby and I won’t be there. And Bill has another trip to St Louis Thursday and Friday, so of course she give birth then.

It just breaks my heart that I can’t be with Dad. I know he’ll be okay, but I want to help him and support him through this bumpy recovery.
And I want to be with Caitlyn, too.
And I want to do well at this new job.

Where’s that EASY button?

That sucks! Awesome!

Pardon the interruption to my generally sunny disposition.
My complaints in bulletted form (please feel free to mutter “That Sucks!” after each one):

– I cannot sleep on my back with the quilt on, because the weight of the heavy comfy wonderful bedding causes terrible pain in my toes.
– I am eating my stress and I don’t know if I will fit into any long pants I own.
– Dad’s having open heart surgery Monday.
– Caitlyn’s over 37 weeks along in her pregnancy and sick as a dog. (She just started antibiotics, so she should be better soon.)
– I have to drive a lot this weekend (but I wouldn’t have it any other way).

I tried to think of more items for this list, but couldn’t. Want to hear the good stuff now? (Feel free to mutter, “Awesome!” after each one.)

– My husband got me four new tires for my car.
– He also is wonderful, understanding and patient, and gives the best hugs frequently.
– And he made us all chicken noodle soup Thursday when I was working.
– I have one job offer coming up on Tuesday (the Best Hospital in Kansas), and am hopeful about a second (the Hospital in Which Decky was Born, which I prefer).
– Stefanie went out and got me chocolate peanut butter ice cream, and she didn’t judge.
– I cleaned my ceiling fans. Nobody noticed but me, but it feels good.
– The weather is absolutely wonderful! Cool days and chilly nights are just what I hoped for all summer.
– Dad will be better than ever after he recovers from surgery.
– Amy is probably off strike after a week!
– I get to see Mod, Dad, Amy and Greg this weekend!
– Kevin has regular days off now, including Saturday!
– Today, we golf!

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I feel much better.

Slightly agitated

It was a wonderful day here today. Lower 70s, sunny, breezy, just beautiful. Bill, Decky and I took a 4.37 mile walk through a big park we had never explored in depth before, which is always nice. We lazed about for a while, then I raked up the leaf drop that covered my entire backyard. Decky helped, and he put down some Wrigley Field grass seed (thanks, Mom and Dad!) in the bare spots. Found out we need lots more seed.

But it looks great – so neat now! And Stefanie powerwashed the patio at the same time, so we were all working hard outside today.

Bill was going to the health club and then getting ready for his trip to Milwaukee tomorrow. He actually went to and from Sam’s Club three times before he found a shirt and pants that fit him. Yeesh.

Stefanie also made a really tasty squash soup for dinner, which we really appreciated.

After all that physical activity and fresh air (and three blisters on my hands), I was exhausted. And my allergies (and Decky’s) have really kicked into high gear. Not so much fun. So I plan to turn in early and enjoy freezing under all the blankies tonight.

But even though my day was really great, there are undercurrents of agitation running through my psyche. I am worried. It’s not anxiety like last week, but more like many specific items that are causing me to worry.

I worry about Amy going on strike.
I worry about the results of Dad’s angio on Monday.
I worry about Caitlyn, she’s so tired and coughs so hard and she’s almost 37 weeks pregnant.
I worry about Koby (a little) because he had his wisdom teeth pulled and I hope he doesn’t smoke again.
I worry about Greg’s stupid veins.
I worry about the results of my last interview and the one coming up on Tuesday, and the fact that I’m not getting as many hours as I want to due to business slowdown.
I worry about the real estate taxes due in December.

Lots of little things are stressing me out (and a couple of big ones). No big deal – I can handle it. But I feel slightly agitated all the time.

One by one, they will all be resolved one way or another.
Then new stressors will pop up.
Isn’t that always the way?