Category Archives: Complain, complain, complong

Me, myself and I

Warning: this post contains rants and raves and is very egocentric.

I’ve been feeling so burnt out at work. I have no empathy for my patients. Correction: I have no empathy for the people who come into my work with trivial complaints, are seeking narcotics, are manipulative, self-important, demanding, and entitled. I have plenty of compassion and attention for the people who are actually sick, or aren’t really sick but are polite and respectful.

I feel that my filter is slipping and I’m going to say something really snide and rude very soon. So I do some research and I find that the solution to burnout is some time off. I only work two or three days a week, so I do have long stretches of days without work. But those breaks do not seem to help me.

I finally figured out why.

When Hubby suddenly deletes 337 GB of music from his computer, I work for hours to retrieve what I can. When he messes up the process I worked so hard to set up, I have to put in more hours into it. And of course, I feel I have to take care of this all immediately, since Hubby gets so freaked out.

Hubby gave me a car stereo for Christmas. He has gone to the installation place three separate Saturdays with the hopes of getting in, but with no luck. He won’t make an appointment. So it’s been almost two months and I still can’t listen to my ipod in my car. This actually crushes me, that he just hasn’t got it done for me.

I sweat all the time. Sweating used to make me feel powerful and strong and happy, because I knew I was working hard and getting fit. Not anymore. Now that I have fierce, frequent hot flashes, and had the sick-sweats all last week, I hate sweating. And I do it all the time. Yuck.

I have to do the taxes. I have done them for years, under protest, because Hubby doesn’t like to spend money if I can do it. I am sure I have made stupid pricey mistakes on past returns and I’m completely stressed out about it.

I come home from work to a messy house. I have to choose between nagging, bitching and whining, or just cleaning up myself, because asking doesn’t work and I can’t stand the mess.

In short, I feel that no one is taking care of me. I know I bring a lot of this on myself, but I’m done. I’ve become a bitchy nag and I hate myself. I have decided to take care of myself before others. These are some steps I have taken so far:

I made an appointment to get my car stereo installed.
I am meeting with a tax accountant Thursday.
I have hired a housekeeper to come out to do my bathrooms this week. And for another time next month.
I ran a mile straight today, did another at a steep incline, power-walked a third mile. I plan to work on daily exercise, and definitely yoga.

I’m just so tired of being the help around here. I want to be valued, loved, respected and maybe even pampered once in a while. I think I’m worth it. I just wish I knew how to convey this effectively.

Hopefully, this will give me the respite I need to recover from work, and I won’t be so burnt out anymore.


Yesterday, Decky, Bill and I took a three-mile walk. We showed Bill the way to and from Decky’s school in the drizzle, Decky talking all the way. It was actually fun. Then, while Decky had his tennis lesson, I ran myself ragged in the hitting lanes for an hour.

Today when I got up to walk Decky to school, the bases of both my great toes screamed with pain. It was a struggle to walk, but I loosened up after a while and toughed it out. This afternoon, Owen wanted to go with me to pick the boy up, so I put him in an umbrella stroller, thinking it would be easier than pulling him up and down the hills in a wagon.

I was wrong. The stroller forced me to walk bent over, and it was a lot harder to push than it was to pull. Let’s face it, wither way it was hard. But again I got through it, toes screaming the whole time. Owen had fun.

Owen and I had made dough for homemade pizza, so Caitlyn, Koby, Owen and Ryan stayed for dinner. Bill was out with his boss for dinner, so we all had a carb-fest without him, which I’m sure he’ll appreciate. The boys played wildly downstairs until Ryan ran over Koby, Koby ran over Decky and Decky ran over Owen. Who cried. Then everybody came upstairs and Cait read to Owen on the couch while he ate a cookie.

When they all left, I cleaned up while Declan practiced drums and took a shower. We read a chapter of Harry Potter, then I put my exhausted boy to bed. He tucked the tooth he lost today under his pillow and probably fell asleep within seconds. I intend to do very much the same, as soon as I pack my lunch for work tomorrow and perform tooth fairy duty.

I am hoping my toes will feel much better tomorrow. They never bother me at work – I think it’s the shoes. I can’t take another day of toe-lio again.

B game

Sometimes I don’t bring my A game. To work, to my family interactions. I am a lazy friend.

I don’t even always realize it unless it’s pointed out to me – by a mistake, by overlooking something, by seeing things slip away. But by that time it’s almost always too late to do anything about it.

When I’m on my A game, and I mostly am, I am better than most people at whatever it is I’m doing – being a nurse, mothering, being a good wife, housekeeping. But when I am off, people notice.

I set my self-expectations too high. And consequently, the people around me share them of me. I found this is a bad thing.

So I try to take it easy on myself. When I make a mistake, I forgive myself instead of stewing too long about it. Well, at least I’m working on that.

Now I just have to get everyone else to take it a little easier on me too. Or maybe I should just not take criticism so hard. Whatever.

Just one more thing to work on.

Crazy times

First, an update on my eye and the drugs.

I took my second dose of the methotrexate Sunday, and it wasn’t bad at all. I took it at 1:30pm while at work, which probably wasn’t the best idea. I got tired at about 3pm, and felt slow. Next time I have to take it while I’m working, I’ll just wait until I go home. Otherwise, I felt fine, and the fatigue didn’t hang around very long at all. The next day, I was functioning at 100%. I credit a very good, healthy, sensible diet, and an attitude of self-caring.

The eye seems to be getting better. It’s still a little achy and cloudy at times, but doc says it’s improving. My eyelid has started to spasm off and on throughout the day, but I figure it’s just inflammation and irritation, and doc agrees. He says the methotrexate should start making things better in a week or two. I can’t wait.

I’ll be so glad when I don’t have to spend one or two hours each Wednesday waiting to see the eye doctor. He’s totally worth it, but still…

Now the crazy update:

Bill is out of town in Miami for a business/dog track field trip. I am full of envy and resentment, but I’ll get over it. I kinda like having the house to myself. I clean it and it stays clean. Mostly. And while I have to chauffeur Decky to his basketball, tennis, drums, etc myself, I also get to eat out if I want to.

Bill gets home late Saturday. Ryan is scheduled for his surgery Monday at 5:30am, and will stay overnight. I will pick him up Tuesday morning, drop him off at home, and possibly go out to lunch to celebrate a girlfriend’s 40th birthday. It’s morphed from a simple local lunch and gift certificate to lunch at the Plaza, a makeover at the MAC store and a gift certificate, and I obviously can’t commit that kind of time. Caitlyn is happy to ‘babysit’ her brother, and would take very good care of him, but I may just keep the lunch appearance to a cameo. We’ll see how Ryan feels.

The next day, I have to give a presentation on lateral violence among nurses at a system-wide nurse practice conference. It will be nearby, so I won’t worry about leaving Ryan too long, but they just asked me to fill forty minutes instead of the original five to ten. Yipes. I feel like I was roped into this under false pretenses: they originally just asked me to ‘give my talk’. Then they asked me for a whole bunch of other stuff, under a short deadline, so they could give continuing education credit for it. Now they ask for a big long lecture. If they expect it to be interesting and exciting, I am in trouble.

There’s a lot on my plate. I guess it’s back to taking things one day – or one hour – at a time, at least for a little while. Yeesh.

A really sucky day

First, I had a patient that was seriously ill, in desperate need of a CT scan. He was kept waiting in the hall for five minutes because the CT tech wouldn’t get a routine inpatient CT scan off the table. The tech said we should have called first. Our patient’s BP plummeted, so he was brought back to the ED for stabilization, then scanned after about 20 minutes. WHICH HE COULDN”T SPARE.

We ended up transferring him to the mothership, where he was still in surgery many hours later. After watching him say goodbye to his kids and his wife and parents, I was invested in this man’s outcome. I hope it was good.

Secondly, my boss informed us that she had been promoted, and they would be looking for a new ED manager. I am very happy for her. She is the best manager we ever had. But I’m sad for us. This really could be bad for our ED.

After running around with what I thought might be pinkeye all morning (and practicing vigilant handwashing), I experienced a spike of pain through my head when the sunlight hit my left eye upon leaving work. SHIT! Iritis!

I picked Decky up from school (early release day), delivered him to Ryan’s care, then spent the remainder of the afternoon at the opthamologist’s office. I was able to slip in some voting on my way home.

All I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and go to sleep, but Bill took us out for burgers and we had a good time. Spent the rest of the evening avoiding TV election shows, watching the Biggest Loser.

Ready for bed, hoping tomorrow will be better.
Of course it will be! I get to watch Owen all day! Yay!