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Work and party

Today was my first day back at work. Luckily, it was at the PACU and not the ED. The ED would probably have been way too hard.

I was so apprehensive this morning, I took a xanax before I left for work. It helped buffer me from people talking to me, people looking at me, people expecting things of me. I felt slow and still borderline weepy, but I think it was better than it could have been.

When it wore off, however, I started feeling everything way too much. I felt irritable – not in a crabby kind of way, but in a can’t-handle-any-stimulus kind of way. I had the other half of my pill in my bag, just in case, but I did not take it. I made myself feel stuff. And by the end of the day, I felt a little more comfortable at work. Not like I am at home certainly, but I knew what to expect and my ‘safe’ bubble got a little bigger.

It was exhausting. Just the mental and emotional effort it took to ‘act normal’ took so much out of me. And when I came home, I was met by a dozen happy people wearing mustaches. We had a Mustache Birthday for Koby so everyone was there, including Michela’s mom. It was loud and happy and busy. I wanted nothing more than to lie down, but it wasn’t too bad. Ryan and Bill made dinner, we had ice cream cake, and the mustaches were a lot of fun.

When everyone left, I cleaned the kitchen, ran out to the store real quick, and put Decky to bed. This is the first quiet time I’ve had all day. Although I could fall asleep right now with no problem, I will stay up a little while just to be by myself.

Tomorrow I don’t work. There is nothing on the calendar. I will apply a second coat of burnt orange paint to the upstairs walls, and maybe attempt to paint the two-story stairway. I will stay in my jammies all morning and watch the morning news shows. I will clean. I’ll stay busy. I will be safe in the shelter of my cozy house, recovering and gearing up for my Friday shift at the PACU.

I want to go back a few weeks to my happy life with Dad in it, but I can’t. The world keeps moving forward, and it pulls me with it. But I can keep Dad in me, bring him along, think about him. Some day it might not hurt so much.

He would have loved the Mustache Party.

Exhausted and exhilarated

I worked my first twelve-hour Emergency Department shift in five months today. My first patient had a dissecting aortic aneurysm. He lived through surgery, which is amazing in itself. You don’t get to see too many of those.

I noticed the clientele is quite different than that I am used to. Patients are not as snobby or entitled, a little dirtier, but more appreciative. It’s a nice change.

It was also nice to see my old doctors, have them recognize me and be glad that I’m there with them again. That was such a good feeling.

Of course, now I’m used to working 4-6 hours in the PACU, which is such a cushy job I will never ever give it up. Now my legs feel like bloody achy stumps. And my hips are crying out too. Damn, I’m out of shape.

But I feel really good. Like my dad after his first day spent out of the hospital with the kids, I am exhausted but really happy.

So nuts

It’s so busy around here.

Caitlyn is due ANY DAY! Today she visits the midwife, so we’ll get a better idea of what’s going on. Can’t wait!

I’m working fulltime in orientation this week. Next week, I have to work at least two days in the new place too, plus fit in a shift or two at the surgery center. Plus Cait’s having her baby VERY soon. And I’ll probably be putting in fulltime hours for the forseeable future.

Dad is in the inpatient cardiac rehab unit finally, and I hope he had a restful night. I know he will be working very hard today.

Everyone is coming over for dinner tonight. I have to work until 4:30, so rotisserie chickens and salad is on the menu. Decky, Ryan and I (and whomever else wants to join us) are attending a meeting for people who like math, critical thinking and things like that. I intend to mainly observe, but I’m kinda excited about it. And Cait’s going to have her baby ANY minute.

Now you see what’s going on in my mind today. Not pretty is it?