Control (or lack thereof)

If you know me, you know I like to control things. Like people, and my environment, and my schedule, and pretty much everything else.

So the past few weeks have kicked my ass.

I can’t control what happens to my Dad. I can’t even be there to help, interpret or advocate on his behalf.
I can’t control when and how Caitlyn goes into labor. That fetus has his own schedule and there’s nothing any of us can do about it.
I can’t control when Stef and Kevin move to their own place. They are adults who make their own decisions based on their own specifc criteria. My opinion doesn’t matter, but my support does.
I can’t control how Decky and Ryan experiment with their prototype homemade potato cannon. The official launch is set for tomorrow while I’m at work. I’m so worried someone will lose a digit or an eye. I can only hope and pray that they will be safe and smart.

I can go with the flow when I have to, when I know control is out of my hands and I am powerless to change anything. I can let go.
But these people are so important to me. They each account for a large piece of my heart. Their health and their happiness are the most important things in the world to me.

Aside from some giving unsolicited advice, helping out when I can, drilling safety precautions into some heads, and calling the cardiac rehab nurse for more information, I am paralyzed.

Thank god my brother is being a fierce advocate for my dad. He is smart and polite and persistent, and does all the things I would if I were there. Thank god we have a large supportive family to be there when Caitlyn finally goes into labor. Thank god the same support network will be around to help Stef and Kevin when they move out. And thank god for Ryan’s and Decky’s common sense and caution (OMGOMGOMGOMG).

My anxiety level is through the roof. I really can’t stand this feeling of powerlessness. I am actually looking forward to going to work tomorrow for a chance to actually exert some control over my environment and my patients’ care.

Watch. That’s when the baby will decide to make his appearance.

Dear Universe,

Dear Universe,

I have a wish list that I’m hoping you can help me with.

My dad could use a slower heart rate and a smaller prostate. And to be home in his own home surrounded by his loving family.
Caitlyn could use a swift and easy labor. TODAY.
Stefanie and Kevin and Ryan and Michela could use some extra money.
Bill could use the ability to be in two places at once.
Declan could use a mother who’s more inclined to let him use explosives in the house unattended.
And I could use a few extra hours in the day, and more days to the week, so I could take care of the people I love the way I want them to take care of them. And a couple of free airline tickets.

Nothing big. Easy peasy.

Your prompt attention to this matter would be greatly appreciated.


Caitlyn walked about two miles today, then came over to our house, where we fed her big dinner and lots of raspberry leaf tea. She’s been getting contractions all day, and later in the day they started to get stronger. She also started complaining that her tailbone was hurting.

So it’s going to happen. Soon.

We all have our phone ringers on tonight. I’ll try to keep you posted.

Cross your fingers I don’t have to go to my eight-hour computer class tomorrow.

So nuts

It’s so busy around here.

Caitlyn is due ANY DAY! Today she visits the midwife, so we’ll get a better idea of what’s going on. Can’t wait!

I’m working fulltime in orientation this week. Next week, I have to work at least two days in the new place too, plus fit in a shift or two at the surgery center. Plus Cait’s having her baby VERY soon. And I’ll probably be putting in fulltime hours for the forseeable future.

Dad is in the inpatient cardiac rehab unit finally, and I hope he had a restful night. I know he will be working very hard today.

Everyone is coming over for dinner tonight. I have to work until 4:30, so rotisserie chickens and salad is on the menu. Decky, Ryan and I (and whomever else wants to join us) are attending a meeting for people who like math, critical thinking and things like that. I intend to mainly observe, but I’m kinda excited about it. And Cait’s going to have her baby ANY minute.

Now you see what’s going on in my mind today. Not pretty is it?

The Wringer

I feel as though I’ve been through the wringer lately. Dad had open heart surgery, Cait’s due any day, I start a new job Monday, Bill’s been out of town. I’m frayed around the edges and torn down the middle.

But my problems are nothing.

Dad keeps having small and large setbacks. He had a heart rate of 240 the second night postop and had to be cardioverted (shocked) back to a lower rate. He’s on IV antiarrhythmics so it doesn’t happen again, because the oral meds aren’t cutting it. His second foley got taken out and he couldn’t urinate and his heart rate shot up again. They put another one back in and he peed out almost TWO LITERS immediately. It’s killing me not to be at his bedside to help him through all this. I want him to have a swift and uneventful recovery, not this crap. At least he keeps moving. He walks with the cardiac rehab staff he’s already familiar with. He’s breathing well and is off the oxygen. He’s eating, but not much.

Caitlyn is hugely pregnant and could give birth any day now. She can’t keep any food down. She throws up frequently during the day, and reflux wakes her up with chest pain at night. And she still has that nasty cough. If she didn’t have an abnormally long cervix, that kid would be on the floor already.

Bill just got home from a three-day trip to Omaha. He’s exhausted and happy to be home. And I’m so happy he’s here. Yeah, he’s a mess and makes me crazy, but life really is easier when he’s around.

My new job orientation starts Monday and lasts all week, 8a-4:30p. I worry Cait will have her baby and I won’t be there. And Bill has another trip to St Louis Thursday and Friday, so of course she give birth then.

It just breaks my heart that I can’t be with Dad. I know he’ll be okay, but I want to help him and support him through this bumpy recovery.
And I want to be with Caitlyn, too.
And I want to do well at this new job.

Where’s that EASY button?